Sunday, April 2, 2017

Dear Rob,

My niece was going through some photos and sent me a picture of the two of us from almost 23+ years ago.  It was at a holiday family gathering before digital cameras, before smart phones were a thing.  So, it wan't a picture I had seen before. It is about 6 months before we were married.
   I studied the photo like an exhibit in a museum, examining every angle, every hair, every shade.  The way your arm laced around my waist and your hand rested on my hip, I looked so long I could almost feel the pressure on my skin of your arm wrapped around me.  The way my head perfectly fit into the the place where your head and shoulder meet, like it was made for me.  My arm entwined around your back in a casual way, like it was habit, something that we'd done a thousand times and took for granted that we'd always be side-by-side.  Your sweater is balled up in my fist, I am not sure why, but I remember I used to do that to pull you closer to me, maybe I did that this time.  I can't remember.  We were smiling for the picture, but there is more in our smiles than a fake pose, we were happy.  From the very beginning we were happy.
Most days I do ok.  I am going forward, I am finding a path and a way to be present in a future I never asked for.  But, your birthday was last month and next month our wedding anniversary, and that picture.
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