Thursday, January 23, 2014

Overtaking Indolence

"Well I've been lockin' myself up in my house for sometime now
Readin' and writin' and readin' and thinkin'
and searching for reasons and missing the seasons.
The autumn, the spring, the summer, the snow.
The record will stop and the record will go.
Latches latched, the windows down,
the dog coming in and the dog going out.
Up with caffeine and down with a shot.
Constantly worried about what I've got.
Distracting my work but I can't make a stop
and my confidence on and my confidence off.
And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top
and I think to myself that I do this a lot.
World outside just goes it goes it goes it goes it goes it goes...
and witness it all from the blinds of my window."
                                                                               - The Avett Brothers ("Talk on Indolence")
       We are a couple weeks into the new term and the strangest thing for me, even as a brand new college student (at the age of 40!)  is still to be out and among people again.  For so long I was kind of able to hide away, going largely unnoticed.  While we stayed in Germany I stuck to my routine and had a close-knit circle of people checking on me.  
      When we moved to Wisconsin I didn't really know anyone - so it was easy to hide away for a while.  Slowly, (and more so for the kids' sake than for my own) we began to go places, do things, accomplish things.  But, I really haven't felt a part of things - connected - I still don't know if I definitely feel that, totally.  More so now, though, than before.  I talk to people.  I am reading something non-fiction (besides the Bible or commentaries on it).  I have places that I'm to be (meaning, not because it's a lesson or meeting for the kids).  
     That's been the hardest part - the feeling like I am moving on, and slowly accepting that I'm okay.  
     
"And I'm there
Looking up at the sky
And I'm scared
Thinking 'bout the way that
I don't understand
Anything at all
How it overtakes me
And I'm just so small
Do I stand a chance?"
                                                             - The Flaming Lips (It Overtakes Me)
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