Thursday, January 23, 2014

Overtaking Indolence

"Well I've been lockin' myself up in my house for sometime now
Readin' and writin' and readin' and thinkin'
and searching for reasons and missing the seasons.
The autumn, the spring, the summer, the snow.
The record will stop and the record will go.
Latches latched, the windows down,
the dog coming in and the dog going out.
Up with caffeine and down with a shot.
Constantly worried about what I've got.
Distracting my work but I can't make a stop
and my confidence on and my confidence off.
And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top
and I think to myself that I do this a lot.
World outside just goes it goes it goes it goes it goes it goes...
and witness it all from the blinds of my window."
                                                                               - The Avett Brothers ("Talk on Indolence")
       We are a couple weeks into the new term and the strangest thing for me, even as a brand new college student (at the age of 40!)  is still to be out and among people again.  For so long I was kind of able to hide away, going largely unnoticed.  While we stayed in Germany I stuck to my routine and had a close-knit circle of people checking on me.  
      When we moved to Wisconsin I didn't really know anyone - so it was easy to hide away for a while.  Slowly, (and more so for the kids' sake than for my own) we began to go places, do things, accomplish things.  But, I really haven't felt a part of things - connected - I still don't know if I definitely feel that, totally.  More so now, though, than before.  I talk to people.  I am reading something non-fiction (besides the Bible or commentaries on it).  I have places that I'm to be (meaning, not because it's a lesson or meeting for the kids).  
     That's been the hardest part - the feeling like I am moving on, and slowly accepting that I'm okay.  
"And I'm there
Looking up at the sky
And I'm scared
Thinking 'bout the way that
I don't understand
Anything at all
How it overtakes me
And I'm just so small
Do I stand a chance?"
                                                             - The Flaming Lips (It Overtakes Me)

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I will miss the days we had

"Tell me something', give me hope for the night
We don't know how we feel
We're just praying' that we're doin' this right
Though that's not the way it seems

Summer gone, now winter's on its way
I will miss the days we had
The days we had
I will miss the days we had
Oh, I'll miss the days we had"
                                                                             - The Head and the Heart (Winter Song)
The new semester, after getting off to a rocky start with the infamous "Polar Vortex", is now in full swing.  Homework (and LOTS OF IT!) is a regular activity for all 4 of us.  On Friday Jan. 3rd I posted a status message on faebook that read, "Today I picked up all my books; classes start on Monday. 
With each obstacle the kids and I overcome, or each step in a new (and completely different) direction - like starting college at 40 yrs. old, or buying a car for Sarah - we are slowly moving on, moving forward. It is bittersweet every time it happens because part of me so desperately does not want to move on, to move away from who we were with him."   
   Sometimes it feels like life is just going through the motions.  But then, there was an evening where we were all at home and working on homework (Sarah was in her room, Noah practicing piano, and Micah and I were at the kitchen table), and Micah whispers, "you're doing great, Mom" that I just know things are right.