Monday, November 11, 2013

chasing rabbits

“Who are you?” said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.
Alice replied, rather shyly, “I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.”

”What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar sternly. “Explain yourself!”
'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir” said Alice, “because I'm not myself, you see.'”
“I don't see,” said the Caterpillar. 

"I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,” Alice replied very politely, “for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”
 - Lewis Carroll (Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)

I don’t cry everyday.                  
I am sure I could.
I did.  
But most days are spent just pushing on.  Getting through.  Figuring out the next thing. 

But then there are those darn rabbit holes.

   That phrase to me has always meant to follow a trail down impossible-to-navigate tunnels and soon become lost in the chaos and confusion, not remembering how a turn of events led you there.  In reality, it is certain injury for a trail runner like me. 
Both of those are true.
   A week ago I was searching for an email I KNOW I have somewhere in the 5,000+ emails that currently sit in my inbox I became distracted by correspondence between Rob and me in 2009. 2010, 2011….etc.  Emails like a request to pick up a kid from dance, having to stay late at work, something funny that the dog did, what bases were on the EQUAL listing as possible next assignments – and I clicked until I was immersed in those mundane, everyday emails while my heart was breaking. 
   Watching the news feed on Facebook today as the thanks to veteran’s and pictures appear I am down another rabbit hole of grief.  This came after I got an email from one of Micah’s teacher’s letting me know that he was quite sad at the Veteran’s Day student assembly this morning, which he chose not to participate in (with my blessing).  The teacher wrote that she asked Micah if he was sure he would not like to get up there to honor his Dad, and Micah replied that we honor dad everyday by how we act and the things we say – I think about how strong my kids have been, but I am reminded of what that “rest-of-their-life” without their Dad looks like . 
    I am sure there are rabbit holes waiting for me everyday, but God is gracious and most of the time I make it through the day without tripping.  Today is not one of those, though. 
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