Wednesday, October 9, 2013

a thousand years between

If you asked me what the hardest part of this past year was, I would have to answer "waking up.  every day."  That moment between being fully consciousness and blissfully unaware.  every single day.
   In August we participated in Muckfest - a mud run with proceeds benefitting MS research.  It was a good time, but there were a few obstacles that proved challenging.  One in particular comes to mind - you had to grab unto this carousel of hanging ropes when it came to the start area and then the rope spun around over an enormous puddle of mud to the other side where you could drop down on a dirt path.  I don't know if it was the running start, my arm strength, or what the deal was, but I was not able to hoist myself up onto the knot tied to the end of the rope.  After three attempts I just had to jump into the puddle of mud and trudge/be dragged through the mud while holding on to the bottom of the rope.P
    It has been a year, today, since Rob died - almost 2 years since the chaos of the diagnosis began.  The kids and I left Germany on June 17th and started our new chapter.  Everyday since then has been like being stuck in a never ending circle of sludge.  Leaving the military community/life and learning to navigate all the challenges.  There have been ups - and there have been downs.  There were some really bad days.  But, for whatever it's worth, I never went "under".  There was always that rope. Most often I think God put that rope in the hands of those able to immediately surround me with support - my father-in-law, Bob, and his wife, Elaine and my brother, Rolfy, and his girlfriend, Suzy.  But sometimes, when there were some pretty overwhelming and dark days,  missing him so much it was like a tangible weight or the uncertainty what to do, God would nudge someone else to pick up the rope and keep my head just above the muck.
    We are adapting.  We are finding our way.  It is slow, it is painful, it is fraught with challenges and complications.  but always, always there is grace.
  Grace to keep holding that rope and knowing God won't let it go.

 "Measuring the summer's day
I only find it slips away to grey
The hours they bring me pain
   Tangerine, Tangerine
living reflections from a dream
I was her love
she was my queens
and now 1,000 years between
Thinking how it used to be
Does she still remember times like these
To think of us again
and I do........"
 - Led Zeppelin (Tangerine)

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