Saturday, February 2, 2013

time and home

“It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now, don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am”
                                                               (Imagine Dragons, “It’s Time”)

I have come home at last! This is my real country! 
                                                                I belong here. 
This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now...
Come further up, come further in!” (CS Lewis, “The Last Battle”)

When you think about home what kind of images do you conjur up in your head?   I don’t mean the kind of home that CS Lewis describes; when we will travel further up and further in at last, but the home that you know here.  Is it a place?  Is it a feeling, or a sense?  

     You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone…….. You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. “ (from the movie, “Garden State”)

  I’ve been struggling, still, with feelings of being caught between the two worlds of my existence - trying to reconcile those separate worlds into one that is acceptable.  In wondering why I can’t seem to get a grip and why, sometimes, it seems as though I can barely cope, I've come to realize it’s because we have no home.  I picture the kids and I out in space with Mrs. Whats-it looking down on the shadow of “IT” for the first time.  Knowing earth will never look the same again, it will never be the same home now that we know what we do, displaced indefinitely. (Madeleine L'Engle's, "A Wrinkle in Time")
   As military families we make our home where ever that next base is - even those of us who do not move very often - we set up house, get involved, welcome new families, say goodbye to those moving on.  In doing this we form an incredible “idea” of home rather than a physical address - it is where ever the 5 of us are, together, and not so much a location on a map.  
   The 4 of us are trying to figure out that new home.  Not where we’ll put our stuff when we move to Wisconsin, but when we find that sense of home that feels safe, familiar, and less lonely.  

    I was talking with Kraig the other day about some of the ‘old stories’ and he was mentioning that he hasn’t really been able to listen to a lot of the music that he and Rob loved - which was a huge part of their lives and friendship.  He said he was too much of a pansy-ass to face the memories that it brought back.  I related that I can not even be in the same room when the 20th Century Fox theme plays before a movie let alone even begin to think about watching a Star Wars movie.  A fine pair of pansy-asses we are, Kraig also lost a sense of the home in losing Rob because of the decades they knew one another. 
   We are searching for our new idea of home.  It includes people that knew Rob, and people just meeting us who have no conception of what we’ve lost.  We feel a little like an untethered string- each his own, but at least tethered to one another as we float.  Forever changed, but still the same - and how do you reconcile that?  Time - I’ve heard again, and again, and again.  It just takes time.  I don't’ think there’s enough time.

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home
 (Phillip Phillips, “Home”)
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