Sunday, January 20, 2013

jokers to the right.....

I'm feeling a little like someone with multiple personalities.  Granted, I have never known anyone with dissociative identity disorder and have (thankfully) never actually suffered from it.  I've always, always been haunted by images of the movie Sybil, which I saw when I was too young and never quite got over...... but that probably doesn't count.  Maybe it's not separate distinct personalities, but more that I am feeling caught in some sort of limbo and finding it hard to reconcile between the 2 areas of my life, and the person I need to be to handle the different situations - there's the me that's here, terrified of letting go, swimming in memories, can't even throw away a pair of Rob's old socks AND THEN there's the me that's bored here, planning and organizing for our departure and beginning to anticipate moving on.  I will start to feel excited about going back to Wisconsin, but then in the next breath I remember why it is I am returning and I'm sad and ashamed at my excitement.  It's a vicious circle and could make me crazy if I wasn't certain that it's all a perfectly normal part of the grieving process.  I know that staying here was absolutely the right thing to do for my kids.  It is going to be a huge part of them being able to adjust and move on at a pace that is comfortable for them. Helping them through this first year is my number one priority and my whole existence is focused on making sure that they have the time that they need to grieve in a setting that is comfortable, familiar, surrounded by friends and teachers that love and support them, and saturated with memories that are important to them.  What I didn't count on, was how hard staying here was going to be for me.  Yet, the very thought of actually leaving this place and all the memories it holds for me, to go on to a future in which I have no idea how to face, terrifies me to my very core.... and so I am stuck in the middle of these 2 places - half the time my "take charge" personality kicks in and I am in full moving mode and the other half I am welling up with tears and resisting the urge to nap the day away.  
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