Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Kyrie eleison

While staying in Beatenburg, Switzerland our chalet's balcony looked over the town of Interlaken and Lake Thun. In the distance we could see Jungfraujoch, one of the highest points in the Swiss Alps. Remembering this breathtaking view, the scene fits on a postcard in my mind. There, the extensive and vast mountains seem to rise one on top of the other. In reality, from our vantage point, we were seeing hundreds of miles. Ranges that were separated by vast canyons, fields, rivers, lakes, and smaller mountains.
I heard a sermon at our church this past week, by Pastor Rob Rayburn, and he used the same imagery (only with the Colorado Rockies) to talk about the Prophetic Foreshortening. He was preaching about the coming of Jesus as told in the book of Zechariah. He said that the prophet's prophetic perspective of compressing great events into a single glance is because God sees that thin blue line on the horizon. The point at where it all seems to meet and there is no distance.
I've compared Rob's fight to standing at the foot of a mountain - and I've thought about the kids and me, now, and how far we have to go - the distances we face. The mountains to scale, the deep lakes to cross, and the endless fields to tread. It's as though, at times, we lose sight of the horizon line. That sovereignty of God.
It's hard to focus when everyone seems to want to know the plan, the plan, the plan. Sarah's plan for college. When I am moving, what kind of job will I get.... It's easy, then, to only see the impassable next canyon and not even able to look up and find the horizon. To forget that God already knows and I need to trust more. Whether I'm only shown a few steps at a time ("life in the fog") or whether I can see 100's of overwhelming miles, there is mercy for one more step, eyes on the horizon or trusting its still there when it's hidden from view.
The cookie-open house was a success. I like that it gave people the opportunity to check on us, to know that we're approachable. We also learned, though, that despite my constant updating on this blog EVERYONE wants to know what's to become of us (I don't think a lot of people actually read this blog). ........ Mostly we know that it is out of love and concern that people ask, mostly. But, to tell you the truth, sometimes it feels as though people are saying, "so, now that he's dead have you figured out your life?" It seems time, like that of the old testament prophets, might seem different to people looking in from the outside. Well-meaning or not, asking us to figure things at this point (it hasn't even been 2 months yet) is like asking us to stop expecting him to walk in the door any minute. To forget. I KNOW that's not what they mean - but it feels that way when it's all day, everyday, everyone.... We DON'T know. But, because what we do know isn't widely known I will tell you. If I know something new I will post it here.
We are trying to stay here, in Germany, until June. We've submitted paperwork to the German gov't and applied to remain here, it is not up to Rob's command, or even the base, but Germany. We need to have the logistical support of the US base to allow us to stay here. We lost those things when we lost our active-duty military sponsor and are now living on a 90-day grace period. The only other way to be covered under this NATO/SOFA agreement would be for me to get a job that comes with those privileges. Prayerfully, we (my kids and I) decided that me getting a job would not be worth it for the six extra months we'd like to remain here, mostly because the jobs that I could get would be nights and weekends taking away from the precious little time I have with my kids already. Rob's life insurance and our savings will provide the means to be able to stay without me needing to support us. It will mean using some of the resources that I have to start over when we do finally leave here. Everything that I am doing has been prayerfully considered. My kids have been involved in the process of praying, discussing, praying, weighing the options, and praying some more. We are only doing what we've determined to be God's will, and only as far as He's shown. We don't have it figured out, and we only know THIS step. IF the gov't grants my request to remain here with the logistical support, then the kids and I will stay here until June; the kids can finish the school year and Sarah can graduate high school. If they say no then we HAVE to leave here the beginning of January. I *think* that we will be staying. BUT, I've been so very wrong about some of the things I thought God was doing, especially in this past year, that I hesitate to even guess God's will. We are hoping to know before December 17th, but that is just a time-frame estimate given to me, not a NLT date.
WHEN we leave here - in January or June - we will be moving to Wisconsin. We will start out by living with Rob's Dad and step-mom, Bob and Elaine. They have agreed to allow us to stay with them as little or as long as we need. Help us figure out the next steps. They've already done lots of leg work finding out about schools, scouts, dance, music lessons, getting Sarah a license and a car, etc - but they only tell me when I ask, knowing that too much information overwhelms me. With Rob sick for such a long time, and being diagnosed as terminal, we had time to pray and talk about what kind of plans would be right for the kids and me. Where Rob would like to see us live. It was comforting for him to know that this is where we would go, with his Dad. If we choose to stay and make our life there, then my parents plan to move back to WI as well, and move to that town, which is also an easy driving distance from where my brother lives.
So, NOW you know as much as we know. I don't have answers about what I will do for school or work for me, what Sarah is going to do about college, if I will buy a house, stay in that same town...... but God knows. God provides. God sees that horizon and if my focus is on HIM then I can trust in that point. The point where everything comes together seamlessly, makes sense, and the distances are unseen.
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