Wednesday, December 26, 2012

and the next thing you know.....

   Christmas night, when all the presents had been opened and the food had been eaten, we were finishing the evening by playing games.  The boys were all playing Monopoly and Sarah, Suzy, and I were sitting in the living room (Sarah was trying out her new Wii game).  A heated argument was brewing over some property at the monopoly table and someone exclaimed, "ALL I KNOW IS....." and I quickly replied, without even thinking about it, "there were rumors" (and this is where I probably lost most of you, except, of course, Kraig) - and just as though it was expected, my brother replied, "So, I applied basically.  I went out for the team."
  and that's when I knew.  Rolfy, who knew Rob since we were all in school and grew up with him, got it.
   What we recited, so automatically, were spoken lines from the beginning of a Pixies song (Brick is Red).  There are 1,000 different things like that.  Lines from movies, songs, instances - that we (Rob and I) would automatically say if certain words came up in conversation.  And, not having my sidekick, I didn't realize how much I missed that until my brother stepped in without missing a beat and followed my train of thought.
  There are few that "got" Rob  In fact, I thought it was really only Kraig and me.  And being with Kraig - when he and his wife came to visit us here in Germany, and then in Waukesha for the funeral - was bittersweet because it was comforting, but at the same time heartbreaking.  After the "Pixies" incident last night I realized that my brother got him, too.  They had similar tastes in music, movies, pop-culture, etc.  And Rolfy knew most of our jokes, because he was there and lived it, or just spent so much time with us.  THAT, more than anything else, made my holiday.  Because for the first time in a long, long time I didn't feel so alone. Because of Rob's absence, yes, but more that that... alone in missing who he really, REALLY, was - and all that he was to me.

With the help of my parents I now have a brand-new, shiny iMac, Merry Christmas to me.  I have been able to upload pictures that have been stuck on my camera for months and so I am working on catching up on a few blog posts from different times in 2012.  It's going to be slow, because it's emotionally draining to blog about anything this past year, but I am anxious to have some of these blog posts done before we move on to the New Year.  I have also deleted Rob's facebook account.  It was sad, but he was never on there much at all and I thought that it was time.  I don't have a facebook account right now, either, if that's how you usually keep up with me.  If you have my email address then you can personally connect with me that way.
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