Wednesday, November 28, 2012

long division

I've meant to post for the past couple of days - but it just hasn't happened. Either I find myself busy or when I have a quiet moment I just don't know how to put 'it' into words. Every day is its own, new special kind of hell with something or the other. *Like long division with no solution that will play without a remainder.
I've been thinking, praying, about the decision to try and stay here in Germany. I can make lists upon lists about why it makes sense to try and stay here through the school year. I've jumped through the necessary hoops, logistically, to remain here until June. I've prayed and prayed about where I should be and what I should be doing. Doors have opened leading me to the paperwork that was submitted yesterday - and should my request be granted I am trusting that it IS what I am supposed to be doing.
After all, I have lists. upon lists.
Every single bullet explaining why staying here is worth it - for my kids.
But what none of my lists have on them is this: I'm scared to not be a housewife anymore. Stay-at-home mom, homeschooling mom, domestic engineer. Whatever it is you call what I do. It's all I've ever known. It is what I was born to be. Staying here, I get to hold on to that piece of my life that isn't anymore. I've been thinking about it a lot this week. I've been cleaning and baking because of a cookie open house the kids and I are hosting this weekend as a way to thank the local community for their unbelievable support over the last year. As I am going about scrubbing toilets and mixing ingredients, I catch myself happy for a moment. Happy at the normalcy. THIS. this is what I know. and it's all changed now.

*it's from a Death Cab for Cutie song, just thought I'd site that lest anyone think I was trying to take credit....

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