Sunday, November 4, 2012

equations

one of my favorite experiences, living in Germany, is the Christmas markets every holiday season. I love the small, local ones where parking isn't a problem and the drive is less than 20 minutes, the medieval one at Burg Lichtenberg is a favorite. I've braved a few of the bigger ones like that in Strasbourg, France, or more popular ones like St. Wendel. If you go on a weekend to these bigger, more popular ones (and take your children) things can get a little dicey toward evening. It is wall to wall people - and worse than a a sporting event or rock concert because their attention is focused on 1,000 different things as they head 400 different ways. It's colder so everyone is bundled up, it's dark by 3:30 in the afternoon, the stalls are packed very close together on narrow streets so if a line forms there's no where for it to go but in the middle of your path, or blocking another shoppe. If you're patient and willing to just move with the flow, you'll eventually make it back to your parking spot - but if you want to wait in line or try to cross to a specific stall where that perfect Christmas gift for your loved one is waiting - good luck! Especially if you're trying to get a reluctant boy-shopper to follow you.
      Trying to navigate my endless days feel like I'm fighting against the crowd to get somewhere. I'm not sure where, but I'm not moving with the crowd. I think there are people who would step-aside and let me through, or help me if only I (or they) understood where it was I wanted to go. Every time I see a hole in the crowd and feel like I could make headway to my unknown destination, and obstacle blocks that way, and I'm left standing there. directionless, but stuck just the same.
I was in a fender-bender yesterday afternoon and though it was minor, it still just sucks. I want Rob, disappointed though he would be, to tell me that it's okay that I am a crappy driver. To hug me and tell me that it will all be okay, not to worry about that. or the windshield. or the insurance issues. or the computer crashing. or the uncertainty of where and when we're moving. and just what I am supposed to do with the rest of my life here on earth.
      The mathematical problem with a downward spiral is that the further down you go, the faster it spins and the harder it is to stop.
Before you all start becoming anxious, I know I have people. I have a support system checking in on me. Watching me carefully. My faith in God is not shaken. I'm just sad. and a little overwhelmed. and impatient for the learning curve of adjustment.
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